Coaxing the Nervous System Toward Healing: Why Change Feels So Hard (and How to Make It Easier)

Have you ever tried to make a healthy change and found yourself inexplicably resisting it? You want to exercise, eat better, stop over-reacting, say no to things that deplete you—but something in you keeps repeating the old habits. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.

There’s a saying that circulates in trauma recovery and nervous system circles that explains this experience perfectly:

The nervous system will choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

It’s a powerful reminder that our resistance to change is not about weakness or failure—it’s a survival strategy. Our nervous system is wired to favor the known over the new, even if the known is painful. Because the unfamiliar—even a better job, a healthier relationship, or a breath that nourishes instead of depletes—can feel like a threat.

Why does this happen?

It starts with the amygdala, which is a small, almond-shaped structure deep in your brain that acts as your internal alarm system. Its job is to detect danger and keep you safe. But here’s the catch: the amygdala doesn’t judge by what’s good—it judges by what’s familiar.

If you’ve spent years in high-stress environments, or lived with chronic pain or illness, your body may have adapted to that state. Tension becomes the norm. Hypervigilance becomes comfort. And when you try to change, even in ways you know are good for you, your system can panic.

This explains why people stay in toxic relationships or unhealthy habits. It’s not that they don’t want change—it’s that their nervous system interprets the unfamiliar as unsafe.

In Understanding Your Nervous System, we explored how chronic dysregulation affects every aspect of health. And in The Science Behind HeartMath, we looked at research-backed ways to support coherence and calm. Here, we bring it all together: change happens when the body feels safe enough to welcome it.

Let me give you an example I see all the time: many students come to me unable to tolerate slow breathing. Even a simple breath in for 5 counts and out for 5 counts feels panic-inducing. But we know from science that slower breaths regulate the nervous system, improve heart rate variability (HRV), and increase vagal tone.

So what gives?

It’s the nervous system’s unfamiliarity with ease.

That’s why we begin slowly. I invite students to try just one or two gentle, slowed breaths, a few times a day. No force. No expectations. Just subtle reminders to the body that this new way is safe. Over time, the unfamiliar becomes the new normal, and the body eventually starts to crave the breath that once triggered alarm.

This is the art of nervous system retraining. It’s not about overpowering the resistance. It’s about honoring it and offering a new path.

You can try it right now:

Take a breath in for 4-5 counts. Let the air move into your belly, then expand gently into your heart or chest area.

Exhale slowly for 4-5 counts. Allow your body to soften.

Now, as you continue to breathe a little slower and deeper than usual, make a sincere attempt to experience a positive emotion like appreciation or gratitude for someone or something.

Do this for as long as you like.

How do you feel? Some of you will feel calmer. Some, nothing at all.

Others may even feel discomfort. That’s okay. It just means your system is stuck in a state of hyper-vigilance, trying to keep you safe from the unfamiliar. So start smaller. Choose a breath pace that’s just a bit slower and deeper than your usual. That’s enough.

When we stop judging our resistance and start coaxing the body toward safety, healing becomes a beautiful experience in which we honor the wisdom of the body. The breath becomes a bridge. The body becomes a haven.

And that unfamiliar heaven? It starts to feel like home.

Want support retraining your nervous system? I offer personalized coaching and retreats designed to help you realign from the inside out. Find out more here.